Family Enmeshment
Most people would agree that the ideal family is one where members are close, supportive, and loving. But, is it possible to be too close?
In a typical family, there are subsystems: the spouse subsystem, the parental subsystem, and the sibling subsystem. There are certain behaviors and roles that family members have to follow, and when they deviate from these patterns of behavior and when heightened emotions make them unable to make their own decisions, enmeshment develops.
Enmeshment describes family relationships in which roles and expectations are confused, parents depend on their children for emotional support, and children are not allowed to become emotionally independent or separate entities from their parents. You might not be able to see the origin of these behaviors, they can be unconsciously passed through generations or can be originated by a specific moment or circumstance: trauma, illness, or addiction, amongst others.
Signs you might be in an enmeshed family
You lack a sense of self
You view others as outsiders
You feel responsible for your parents’ wellbeing
Overprotective parents
You try to avoid conflict and find it difficult to say “no”
No regard for personal space
Your parents want to know everything about your life.
You find yourself mediating your parents’ arguments
Your parents don’t encourage your independence
“We” is often used to describe feelings, opinions, or emotional experiences.
There can be less severe versions of all these signs, or not all of them, but if you find yourself relating to some of them, you can take this quick quiz to identify the signs of enmeshment in your family, as well as booking an appointment with one of our therapists.
How Does Enmeshment Affect a Child?
Enmeshment can cause a variety of problems in members of the family, such as:
Low self-esteem
Approval-seeking
Anxiety
Depression
Not speaking up for themselves
Fear of abandonment
Not coping with feelings or emotions
Feelings of inappropriate guilt and responsibility over others
Not being able to calm themselves
Lack of boundaries
In enmeshed families, healthy boundaries don’t exist. Parents don’t respect their children’s privacy, they overshare their personal information, and rely on them for emotional support and even friendship. Children end up being their parents’ confidante or “buddy”, so much that it might never occur to them, even as adults, to not include their parents in daily decisions. From eating habits, places they go to, friends they can or can’t meet with, to partners they’re allowed to be with or not. All decisions pass through the parent’s eyes and approval, developing indecisiveness and a lack of self-confidence.
For outsiders, it might seem like a close family, but internally, parents demand more from their children than they should, pulling them to serve their psychological needs, like listening to dad complaining about mom, preventing a drinking spree or arguments, or comforting a crying parent. The child might think they are responsible for their parent’s well-being and they are doing an amazing job, but inevitably, the parent will become unhappy again and each time, the child will feel more guilty for not being able to solve their parent’s problems and failing at their job. They feel like they need to work harder.
When the child reaches adulthood, they can feel guilty for simply wanting and needing independence.
If you think you might be this child, you probably have been told by others how lucky you were to have a parent that was there for you and wanted to spend so much time with you! This makes it more difficult for you to question the bond, it might make you feel guilty and fearful of being disloyal to your family, of not appreciating what they have done for you.
Ending Enmeshment
Therapy Resources
Getting professional help is the best way to deal with enmeshment in a family. Family Therapy can help reduce the levels of parental enmeshment and boundary issues, as well as assist your family in eliminating dysfunctional behavior and developing healthier relationships.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a form of therapy used by therapists to help individuals who are involved in an enmeshed family and used to certain ways of thinking, or in need of assistance with recognizing toxic patterns, learn new ways of thinking and behaving, promoting positive growth and change.
Individual therapy can help you recognize patterns in your parents’ parenting style, recognize the enmeshed family characteristics, and learn sound relational patterns, so as to not pass this parenting style to your own child and future generations.
In order to become a mature and emotionally healthy adult, you might try to become independent from your parents and individuate, by separating yourself from your parents in aspects you feel are limiting you, emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual, etc. In non-enmeshed families, this usually happens in the teenage years, when you start hanging out with friends after school, going out, and learning things on your own. You realize you might not share the same ideologies or beliefs as your parents, and you start having conversations with them about what your own ideologies and beliefs are. You start to figure out who you are as a human being, as an individual, your interests and hobbies, and your likes and dislikes. You learn to stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
Setting Boundaries
In enmeshed families, boundary setting is not a practice approved by the parents, they don’t respect boundaries and expect to have a vote on family members' decisions, so to break this, setting boundaries is the first step to creating safety and healthy relationships in families.
Boundaries establish appropriate roles, reflect respect for everyone's needs and feelings, set clear expectations, and establish growing independence in the children. As they grow up, these boundaries shift and adapt, allowing more autonomy, privacy, and so on.
Some examples of boundaries are:
Physical Boundaries: Removing triggers from your home such as alcohol or other substances, becoming financially independent, and moving out from your parent’s house (if possible).
Emotional Boundaries: Your emotions are yours alone. Setting emotional boundaries means knowing when to share and when not to share, recognizing how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in, and being able to remove yourself from situations that are draining your energy and feelings.
Time Boundaries: Your time is as valuable as anyone else’s. You might want to try establishing priorities and managing your time according to your own needs and energy. Something that is good to consider is leisure time, creating opportunities to rest or develop hobbies.
As family therapists, we believe that each individual plays a role in creating the family dynamic that exists. Even when we work individually with a client, we are paying close attention to their upbringing, relationships, and related experiences.
Working with a family therapist helps rebuild communication skills and positive family dynamics. Our style of family therapy involves building respect and boundaries in the home environment by examining relationships and communication patterns.
The goal is for all family members to feel respected, heard, and valued. With the creation of a safe space within our sessions, family members (especially children and teens) feel that they can explore their feelings and thoughts in a way that they are typically unable to.
Together we will explore your experiences, behaviors, and beliefs. With the benefit of fresh insight, you will be able to identify patterns that are holding you back from health and happiness while gaining the strength and strategies to overcome them.
Our teen therapists in Raleigh and Wake Forest are relatable and engaging, providing a safe space for clients to explore their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We offer after-school appointment hours as well as virtual therapy appointments, to help make therapy convenient for the teens we work with.
Book your appointment online now by clicking below!
